“Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.” Henry Ford

Previously we looked at some of the ways people choose to deal with conflict.  This month we’ll look at ways you can prepare for conflict.  No, we’re not going to take the gloves off – or put them on – nor are we going to advocate any other type of mayhem.  Conflict in this sense is a difference of opinions or viewpoints.

As the quote above implies, our mindset contributes greatly to how we approach work, life, and relationships.  At its worst, conflict avoidance may even manifest itself as physical illness.  In his book the Cowards Guide to Conflict: Empowering Solutions for Those Who Would Rather Run Than Fight, Tim Ursiny boils the situation down to this: “Avoiding the conflict had to be more painful than facing it, and facing the conflict had to be more pleasurable than avoiding it.”

The point of the apparent contradiction is that our minds are so powerful that we have trouble separating reality from non-reality.  As an example, think about someone scraping a blackboard with their fingernails.  Does just the thought send a tingle up your spine?  There is no blackboard but the sensation caused by the thought elicits the same reaction.  In the same way we will worry about a conflict before we have to face it, and in our mind it is usually much worse than in reality.

To begin to learn to face conflict, Ursiny suggests you construct a list containing the issues involved with the pain of facing conflict and the pleasure of avoiding conflict, then list the concepts of the pain of avoiding conflict and the pleasure of facing conflict.  Just divide a piece of paper into quadrants with the issues at the top and the concepts on the bottom.  Once you have listed the issues, develop a solution for each.  For the concepts, expand each into a set of questions you should be asking yourself.

Now that you have a tool to organize your thoughts, you can focus on getting beyond the fear component of conflict.  “If you fall off, get right back on” is the pat answer, but does it overcome the fear of falling again?  Certainly not, in fact getting back on may result in a more severe injury and increase the avoidance even more.  So how can you overcome your fear?  The best approach is to break your fear into small pieces and list each in order from the least confrontational to the most confrontational.  Now you can try each approach and gain confidence with each success.

Although the thoughtful measured approach works in most situations, there may come a time when you don’t have the luxury of making lists and studying the situation.  Every day in the newspaper or on the television we read and hear about people who step in and aid or rescue people without apparent regard to their safety.  To be sure, there was a fear of getting involved (conflict), but the decision to face the conflict was made quickly, and the person acted in the other’s best interests.  Of course this is an extreme example, but all the issues and concepts of pain and pleasure were there.

A final step in preparing for conflict is to be sure you follow your personal moral compass, retaining your integrity.  Perhaps Shakespeare said it best “…to thine own self be true…thou canst not then be false to any man.”  If you can’t take the moral high ground then you are not resolving conflict, you’re only making it worse.  Sometimes the consequences may affect you more than the other person, but at least you’ll know you did the right thing and didn’t violate your belief structure.

Causes of Conflict

In part two of this series we looked at some of the ways people can prepare for conflict.  Now we’ll look at some of the causes of conflict.

Causes of conflict vary widely as do the conflicts themselves.  In his book The Coward’s Guide to Conflict: Empowering Solutions for Those Who Would Rather Run Than Fight, Tim Ursiny starts the discussion with: “We’d be fine if they weren’t so different.  What a boring world if we were all the same.”

We all have our differences in the way we organize our space (or not), whether we are optimists or pessimists, introverted or extroverted.  Until we interact with others these differences are not very important.  Once we are in social or business interactions, the differences can become very important.  Essentially there are four personality types: Dominance, Influence, Steadiness, and Conscientiousness.  To put these types in more recognizable terms:

◊  Dominance may appear to be the bully of the group, very focused and driven.

◊  Influence is well-meaning but sometimes promises too much and could 
    overlook small details.

◊  Steadiness in their quest for keeping things on an even keel may be perceived
    as beating around the bush too much.

◊  Conscientiousness strives to get everything right so they may be perceived as
    snooty.

From these descriptions you can see many opportunities for conflict due to the differences between the personality types.  Even more opportunities can arise in a stressful situation when the individuals will further exhibit their main personality type.

Another cause for conflict is anger.  This is a somewhat tricky situation to address as anger is sometimes masking other emotions.  The normal defense to an angry person is to get angry back at them, definitely not a way to solve a conflict.  If you get angry your judgment is clouded, and you won’t be able to find out what is wrong.  It may be that you have done something to embarrass or hurt the other person.  It would be so much easier to deal with those emotions rather than the anger.  One tactic to use to defuse the anger is to raise your voice to the same level without being angry and then gradually lower your voice.  This will often bring the volume and anger down from the other person.  This is difficult and takes practice.

Earlier we talked about listening being an effective tool in dealing with conflicts.  There are five listening styles that come into play.  Using the appropriate one is a choice that you make.

◊  Appreciative – listening for enjoyment; music, a joke
◊  Emphatic – listening to support the speaker; allow expression of feelings
◊  Comprehension – listening to organize information; getting directions
◊  Discerning – listening to get the big picture; what is important
◊  Evaluative – listening to form conclusions then take action; ask questions

As you can see some of the styles are obviously incorrect when someone comes to you with a problem.  However, it is not always clear what the individual wants.  How do you know which style is correct?  Perhaps you just ask.  If they can state their needs appropriately you can select the appropriate listening style.  Last but not least, do not forget to be an active listener.  Look at the person, lean forward if seated, focus on the message and ignore distractions.